Chicago Public Schools announced today the plans to fund a new high school exlusively for gay and lesbian students. The school will be named, The School for Social Justice Pride Campus. Since we are breaking new ground here in education and tolerance why add only one new school? Heck, teenagers are always complaining about SOMETHING! Let’s really give in to them in other areas as well. Here are my suggestions for new campuses to ensure that we allow the youth of today to become even more coddled…
The School of Molokai Justice Campus. Kids struggle with acne, right? Why shouldn’t they be allowed more popularity than their smooth skinned peers? Any students with zits will now have their own campus allowing them to date and mingle successfully with anyone they choose without fear of excema-dominated rejection. Once their skin clears up, they are immediately expelled and thrown back into the perfect skin pool at their regular high school. Think of this campus as a Father Damien’s Boys and Girls Town…
The School for Social Piercings Pride Campus. Those students who want to become a walking pin cushion will now have their own hallways to strut down! There will be special bathrooms with blood gutters and needle bins. Once a month there will be a, “Piercing Pride Day!” when all the students will be allowed to strip down and show off their pores. The winning piercer of both volume and creativity will be awarded a free trip to a nearby medical facility and a year’s worth of bacteria-fighting meds.
The School for Obese Justice Pride Campus. Some kids like to eat. That is not a crime. So, why should be punished for filling their faces more than the average MASTADON? Don’t make them feel guilty, give them their own campus! Forget the tray of cafeteria food or a burger with fries, let’s bring in Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and McDonald’s and allow the trucks to park there 24/7. Keep the quad well-lit and add several hundred garbage cans for litterering. Let the fast food buffets, begin! A 300 lb. student is no longer an outcast. He or she is homecoming ROYALTY! Just think of the offensive line on THAT football team!
The School for Bare Midruff Social Change. All-girls who let it all hang out! Wow. Can you imagine the convocation speakers for these kids? Britney Spears can be the graduation speaker. Cher can head up the PTA. The mascot can be a dancing belly button, and the school fight song will be a neo version of the 60’s classic, “No matter what Shape (Your stomach’s In!)
Finally…
The School for Saying the word “Like” for Grammatical Justice. All students who cannot complete a sentence or a phrase with out the, “L” word, “It’s like you know like what the L word is like is…” should be forced to leave any high school campus and come to this grammatically-challenged institution. “It’s like, only like fair, okay?”
No wonder education in this country is so lacking in excellence, tolerance and style. No one bothered to consult me. Skit, skat, how ’bout that!
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